Relapsed

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

I realised that I'm just back to the vicious circle of porn and everything what is needed to make it as intense as possible. . I can manage to be porn free for a couple of days but I'm actually always busy with planning how to get back to it. 

I sit home, stoned, just back from my girlfriend. I had the rush of being stoned a couple of minutes ago. Feeling inspired to think and to work on new ideas. I gets me really high literally and I enjoy it a lot! Planning which music I'm going to listen, there are a lot I want to overhaul a long time. 

Put new strings on the guitar and working on my slide technique. There are some really nice slide-solos in the cover of The Boxer by Mumford and Sons. Maybe it is a little high to begin with but it is all about the time you take to learn a solo. 

But there is still something behind it all. Something that makes me feel frightened. An old friend, a heavy shadow which I invite myself above my head every time I relapse to masturbate on porn. 

The more I think about everyone around me I'm lying to the more it straits my heart and neck.

No one knows what I am doing actually. I'm working with addicts as an addict. I'm lying to everyone around me. Some see me as an expert. 

Neither my love know anything about my actual life behind the walls. 

For one orgasm I'm relapsing. I can't bear with the depression and fear I get after a couple of days without my own, little world of my addictions. 

It is just so strange that I give everything up for a feeling of 10 seconds I was using in my whole life to handle with the reality. I give everything up for Orgasm.

I kill the musician I could be without masturbation. 

I destroy my thoughts before they even came to life.

I take the chance of my love and myself to make beautiful love.

I keep myself in fear of being with others. 

I make it impossible for myself to improve and grow as a person.

I keep myself incapacitate to become the person I always wanted to become.

I relapsed after 4 days.

4th Day Without Weed And Porn, 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for marijuana (1-10): 2
Longing for porn/masturbation (1-10): 3
Binge eating: once

I'm sick, snotty, lethargic, don't feel like doing anything, just like yesterday. It helps a lot not to desire blowing, porn or masturbation. 

We still had sex and I had an orgasm, it helps a lot not to desire porn of course. 

I was practicing guitar an hour or two. 

My biggest enemy (and best friend) is Nutella. I use it to for 20 years to numb my feelings. 

Yesterday we bought a pot of it, 630 grams. Today in the noon it was finished and my girlfriend eat almost nothing of it. I think I have eaten like 400 grams today. If I have it at home I jus can't controll myself. Lesson? Don't buy it. 

Feel like shit, go to get some sleep, 

2nd and 3rd Day Clean 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for marijuana (1-10): 4
Longing for porn/masturbation (1-10): 5

Not much to say about yesterday and today: it went good. I'm at my girlfriend until Tuesday, in a safe environment.

Yesterday I was biking 25 km (18 miles) in the early morning. After that I was quite down and had no energy for nothing. It took even an effort to scratch my head. And especially no desire to think. 

Today I went to church with my dear, it was good. I have a serious hearing damage so I don't understand nothing in church but it is the best time for me to meditate. So I was just sitting for an hour, concentrating on my breathing and thinking about life. It helped me to realise why my life is better if I'm sober. I will make a post about the reasons to stop and reasons to go on.

1th Day Clean 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for weed (1-10): 7

Longing for porn (1-10): 7

This is going to be the post of sniveling.

Yesterday relapsed, today clean. It is a bad day, I'm very anxious, unrestful, annoyed and actually raging today.

I was thinking about my mother in law who judges me and is convinced that I'm going to rape her grandchildren later (if we get married and get children) because of my sexaddiction (no, I'm not a sexaddict, I'm pornaddict. Different symptoms, methods to heal, reasons behind.), that I'm manipulating, that there is nothing real in me etc. It makes me hate the whole world, ignorant people who believe to know eveything.

I was at my work, cleaning the house, washing the dishes, Biking 13 km (about 9 miles), I was actually busy with good things. But I still feel like shit.

And I have headache. I just go to bed.

3rd And 4th Day: Relapse 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Yesterday, the third day I relapsed. 

I've been at my girlfriend's until yesterday evening, after that I went to an NA meeting. It is funny (and sad as well) that I was planning during the whole meeting how I will relapse. Which porn- movies I'm going to watch, what kind of food I buy to eat it at once (huge amount of chocolate, cookies, etc.) That I can purge once more, no problem, it will be really the last one. I won't see my girlfriend for a couple of days so I can ejaculate and after that being "recovered" in couple of days being able to have sex with her - as I can go on with lying on this way, I can make people believe what I want them to believe. And beside it having a totally different life that would shock everyone. 

What it all makes even heavier is that I'm working with addicts. I was using longer than anyone would have thought. Am I an expert?!

A part of mine just believed it won't happen. Believed in and desired it. Walking on the road, falling from the cliff (http://lauriesaint.blogspot.nl/2014/09/falling-jumping-off-cliff.html), hoping to reach a longer clean period than ever before. 

The "other one" in me was planning the whole day how to arrange the evening-event. When I could get my portion to get high.

This was the "last", again. Every time I smoked pot and watched at porn was the "last", for two years.

It feels always the same: ashamed of myself. Hours before the event I'm afraid, got that strange stress feeling in my stomach. Like before exams. I know I'm going to do it yet I don't want it.

I desire so much being FREE. I want to be free from my own prison I built the last more than 20 years.

The progress I make in couple of weeks (2-3) is always surprising. I just start to do things I always thought can only "strong" and "normal" people do. Things like reading, writing, making music, living. Thinking and not only bearing life. Being productive on a creative way. What could I become if I would give enough space to my natural desires to become the one I could?

I am afraid to become the person I could become. 

From tomorrow I'm with my girlfriend for 4-5 days, it will help a lot, being under controll. A new chance.

Falling (Jumping) Off The Cliff

At first I want to make clear that what I think and what I write are based on my thoughts and experiences. This is pure my point of view and there are many people who see this on a very different way for sure.

I was addicted for the greatest part of my life (actually since when I was 5-6, I'm 28 now). It means that I have no idea what I am capable of, I never try to reach my limits, I barely know myself (although I think I know much more about myself then many others about themselves).

I'm living in a prison build by my history, habits and especially by myself.

What I as an addict always needed and still need is safety. Something I know, a place where I've been often enough to know that I can get back there what ever happens. It is especially true for my feelings.

I'm afraid of not being ''home'' and if I'm heading somewhere but don't exactly know where, I want to just go back.

Quit using means to me heading some place I do not know. Somewhere I can not have expectations in. How long the journey will take? What am I going to become on the way? 

I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I can not see the bottom, it is way too far down. Every time I stop masturbating and smoking weed I feel like I just stepped off to the profundity. I'm afraid to jump but I know I have to - so I just jump.

Flying down does not mean anything just fear. Am I gonna survive the slam? Where is the bottom? Am I going to ever reach it?

The longer I'm flying down the greater the fear grows. The longer I'm clean the farther I'm from home. The safety of my habits just begins to disappear.

The distance from home grows but I don't have the feeling I'm heading somewhere.

What can I do? There are two options: trying to bear with the fear and just keep it up until it is over and I become a new me without using or I can go back home, back to the safety of my addictions.

Addicts are numbing the feelings of the moment. Oh, I'm afraid of something, let's get a joint. I feel bad - lets take care of dopamine and endorphin rush in my head with an orgasm. Flying down off the cliff means that I have to bear the lack of my safe prison. That I just can't numb anything I feel. Experiencing life just how it is. Being a part of it. It is the scariest thing I can imagine.

2nd Day Clean 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***
*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Two days without weed and porn completed.

I´m still at my girlfriend´s, until tomorrow. 

My goal is not to climax. We had sex today morning and yeah.. It will take a while to get used to sex without ejaculation. But no problem, I had no orgasm. 

There is not so much to tell about really. I felt good, was practicing guitar and made some nice hungarian dishes for the evening. Keep myself busy helps a lot and reduces the craving. 

No depression yet. I´m afraid it will come in a couple of weeks but let´s hope it won´t.

Ok, let´s watch some Godzilla (1998).