*** The post you are about to read may be ***
*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***
Yesterday, the third day I relapsed.
What it all makes even heavier is that I'm working with addicts. I was using longer than anyone would have thought. Am I an expert?!
I've been at my girlfriend's until yesterday evening, after that I went to an NA meeting. It is funny (and sad as well) that I was planning during the whole meeting how I will relapse. Which porn- movies I'm going to watch, what kind of food I buy to eat it at once (huge amount of chocolate, cookies, etc.) That I can purge once more, no problem, it will be really the last one. I won't see my girlfriend for a couple of days so I can ejaculate and after that being "recovered" in couple of days being able to have sex with her - as I can go on with lying on this way, I can make people believe what I want them to believe. And beside it having a totally different life that would shock everyone.
What it all makes even heavier is that I'm working with addicts. I was using longer than anyone would have thought. Am I an expert?!
A part of mine just believed it won't happen. Believed in and desired it. Walking on the road, falling from the cliff (http://lauriesaint.blogspot.nl/2014/09/falling-jumping-off-cliff.html), hoping to reach a longer clean period than ever before.
The "other one" in me was planning the whole day how to arrange the evening-event. When I could get my portion to get high.
This was the "last", again. Every time I smoked pot and watched at porn was the "last", for two years.
It feels always the same: ashamed of myself. Hours before the event I'm afraid, got that strange stress feeling in my stomach. Like before exams. I know I'm going to do it yet I don't want it.
I desire so much being FREE. I want to be free from my own prison I built the last more than 20 years.
The progress I make in couple of weeks (2-3) is always surprising. I just start to do things I always thought can only "strong" and "normal" people do. Things like reading, writing, making music, living. Thinking and not only bearing life. Being productive on a creative way. What could I become if I would give enough space to my natural desires to become the one I could?
I am afraid to become the person I could become.
From tomorrow I'm with my girlfriend for 4-5 days, it will help a lot, being under controll. A new chance.
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