Relapsed

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

I realised that I'm just back to the vicious circle of porn and everything what is needed to make it as intense as possible. . I can manage to be porn free for a couple of days but I'm actually always busy with planning how to get back to it. 

I sit home, stoned, just back from my girlfriend. I had the rush of being stoned a couple of minutes ago. Feeling inspired to think and to work on new ideas. I gets me really high literally and I enjoy it a lot! Planning which music I'm going to listen, there are a lot I want to overhaul a long time. 

Put new strings on the guitar and working on my slide technique. There are some really nice slide-solos in the cover of The Boxer by Mumford and Sons. Maybe it is a little high to begin with but it is all about the time you take to learn a solo. 

But there is still something behind it all. Something that makes me feel frightened. An old friend, a heavy shadow which I invite myself above my head every time I relapse to masturbate on porn. 

The more I think about everyone around me I'm lying to the more it straits my heart and neck.

No one knows what I am doing actually. I'm working with addicts as an addict. I'm lying to everyone around me. Some see me as an expert. 

Neither my love know anything about my actual life behind the walls. 

For one orgasm I'm relapsing. I can't bear with the depression and fear I get after a couple of days without my own, little world of my addictions. 

It is just so strange that I give everything up for a feeling of 10 seconds I was using in my whole life to handle with the reality. I give everything up for Orgasm.

I kill the musician I could be without masturbation. 

I destroy my thoughts before they even came to life.

I take the chance of my love and myself to make beautiful love.

I keep myself in fear of being with others. 

I make it impossible for myself to improve and grow as a person.

I keep myself incapacitate to become the person I always wanted to become.

I relapsed after 4 days.