3rd And 4th Day: Relapse 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Yesterday, the third day I relapsed. 

I've been at my girlfriend's until yesterday evening, after that I went to an NA meeting. It is funny (and sad as well) that I was planning during the whole meeting how I will relapse. Which porn- movies I'm going to watch, what kind of food I buy to eat it at once (huge amount of chocolate, cookies, etc.) That I can purge once more, no problem, it will be really the last one. I won't see my girlfriend for a couple of days so I can ejaculate and after that being "recovered" in couple of days being able to have sex with her - as I can go on with lying on this way, I can make people believe what I want them to believe. And beside it having a totally different life that would shock everyone. 

What it all makes even heavier is that I'm working with addicts. I was using longer than anyone would have thought. Am I an expert?!

A part of mine just believed it won't happen. Believed in and desired it. Walking on the road, falling from the cliff (http://lauriesaint.blogspot.nl/2014/09/falling-jumping-off-cliff.html), hoping to reach a longer clean period than ever before. 

The "other one" in me was planning the whole day how to arrange the evening-event. When I could get my portion to get high.

This was the "last", again. Every time I smoked pot and watched at porn was the "last", for two years.

It feels always the same: ashamed of myself. Hours before the event I'm afraid, got that strange stress feeling in my stomach. Like before exams. I know I'm going to do it yet I don't want it.

I desire so much being FREE. I want to be free from my own prison I built the last more than 20 years.

The progress I make in couple of weeks (2-3) is always surprising. I just start to do things I always thought can only "strong" and "normal" people do. Things like reading, writing, making music, living. Thinking and not only bearing life. Being productive on a creative way. What could I become if I would give enough space to my natural desires to become the one I could?

I am afraid to become the person I could become. 

From tomorrow I'm with my girlfriend for 4-5 days, it will help a lot, being under controll. A new chance.

Falling (Jumping) Off The Cliff

At first I want to make clear that what I think and what I write are based on my thoughts and experiences. This is pure my point of view and there are many people who see this on a very different way for sure.

I was addicted for the greatest part of my life (actually since when I was 5-6, I'm 28 now). It means that I have no idea what I am capable of, I never try to reach my limits, I barely know myself (although I think I know much more about myself then many others about themselves).

I'm living in a prison build by my history, habits and especially by myself.

What I as an addict always needed and still need is safety. Something I know, a place where I've been often enough to know that I can get back there what ever happens. It is especially true for my feelings.

I'm afraid of not being ''home'' and if I'm heading somewhere but don't exactly know where, I want to just go back.

Quit using means to me heading some place I do not know. Somewhere I can not have expectations in. How long the journey will take? What am I going to become on the way? 

I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I can not see the bottom, it is way too far down. Every time I stop masturbating and smoking weed I feel like I just stepped off to the profundity. I'm afraid to jump but I know I have to - so I just jump.

Flying down does not mean anything just fear. Am I gonna survive the slam? Where is the bottom? Am I going to ever reach it?

The longer I'm flying down the greater the fear grows. The longer I'm clean the farther I'm from home. The safety of my habits just begins to disappear.

The distance from home grows but I don't have the feeling I'm heading somewhere.

What can I do? There are two options: trying to bear with the fear and just keep it up until it is over and I become a new me without using or I can go back home, back to the safety of my addictions.

Addicts are numbing the feelings of the moment. Oh, I'm afraid of something, let's get a joint. I feel bad - lets take care of dopamine and endorphin rush in my head with an orgasm. Flying down off the cliff means that I have to bear the lack of my safe prison. That I just can't numb anything I feel. Experiencing life just how it is. Being a part of it. It is the scariest thing I can imagine.

2nd Day Clean 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***
*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Two days without weed and porn completed.

I´m still at my girlfriend´s, until tomorrow. 

My goal is not to climax. We had sex today morning and yeah.. It will take a while to get used to sex without ejaculation. But no problem, I had no orgasm. 

There is not so much to tell about really. I felt good, was practicing guitar and made some nice hungarian dishes for the evening. Keep myself busy helps a lot and reduces the craving. 

No depression yet. I´m afraid it will come in a couple of weeks but let´s hope it won´t.

Ok, let´s watch some Godzilla (1998).

Where It All Began

I'm a 28 years old guy. I come from a religius family, my mother is a pastor. My parents have four children, I'm the oldest. 

I was four years old when my mother left to Finland for 3 months. I could not understand the meaning of time, how long three months were, where my mother was, why she left us (my sister was 2 back then). I did not even know if she ever comes back. Suddenly she just was not there anymore. She was not there for a day, the night after, she did not came back the next day, next week, she just disappeared. I was not prepared for her absence. 

The space my mother left had to be filled in. I have a couple of memories from those months, each of compensating the want of my mother. 

One of them is that I was watching a movie on the TV. It was probably a western with a beautiful and very temperamental gispy woman. I could not leave the TV, seeing her gave me a fulfilment that I never experienced never before. It sounds funny perhaps but that 4 years old nipper fell in love with that woman. I'm pretty convinced that my pornaddiction and passionate jonesing for women was rooted on it.

An other remembrance of that time is that I loved toasted white bread with hungarian sausages. My father took notice of that food kept me calm and when I eat I did not miss my mother so much. When my mother came home after three months she noticed immediately that I was gaining weight. 

My conclusion is that as a four years old guy I learned to feel good through eating and women. 

1th Day Clean 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

From today I will try to make a summary of my progress every day.

My goal is to quit weed and porn using. I had often attempted to stop wit both but I never could keep it up longer than 3 weeks. But I still have to say: without those clean days and weeks I would not know how stopping with these things can benefit my life.

Today is my first clean (weed- and pornfree) day. The last two weeks I was using daily, stucked in de vicious circle of “never more from tomorrow”.

From today I’m at my girlfriend’s for the coming days. It is also the reason that tt was not a very day with regard to my addctions, I did not have the feeling of craving although it came to my head to buy a joint, before I came to my girlfriend (she does not exactly know how often I use and what that exactly contains and I was lying a lot about it in the past as an addict does).

My first clean day was not really an issue. What I’m afraid of is wednesday, then I go home. I never have problems with craving if I’m with others but at the moment that I can isolate myself in my room, the feeling of being safe is gone and I can not think about anything except smoking and masturbating.

My brain is not really working, I feel very unsharp. It takes a lot of energy to organise my thoughts. So I just finish for today.

Sleep well folks!

An Old Fight For A New Life

I’m Laurie and I’m a drug and porn addict and have a serious eating disorder.

My intention is to post about how my life changes during my journey and fight against my addictions. I will write about my past, about my experiences, progress and about everything that could be important for this topic and for people having the same kind of problems or for others that find this topic interesting.

I will try to write as outspoken as possible, If you can’t bear it, leave it. To help you understand the complexicity of (my) addictions I think I need to do that.

English is not my first language, excuse me for my grammar mistakes.