*** The post you are about to read may be confusingly personal and explicit. ***
Being an addict for me is having something in your personality the most don't have. You can get hooked on something using it too much and too often but the question is how much effort it costs for you to quit it. People having "addict-personalities" need to numb reality and uncomfortable feelings on effective and fast ways. And not only unbearable happenings but even a bad day.
I know already that I'm an "addict-personality" and the circumstances in my childhood could lead only to being hooked on something or more things.
I was real young when I discovered that playing with my penis can cause amazing feelings. I was about 5-6 when I noticed in the bath tube that cold water directly on my cockhead feels good, better, even better and VERY GOOOOHHHH! My parents never understood why the water was totally cold when they took me out of it.
It didn't take long to realize that the feeling of masturbation, orgasm and women have something to do with each other, At the age of 8 I was thinking about everybody around me during masturbation and I jerked off like 4-5 times a day. It was THE good and only valuable feeling against the aggressive raising of my father.
I was masturbating at school during lesson (I was sitting in the first line but I developed a manner to get myself off without anybody noticing it), in the church (my mother is a pastor), on my bike, on the street, everywhere. If I did not feel comfortable, I got myself off.
And I was thinking about everybody. I thought of my mother, of my sister, my 70 years old teacher, girls at school, adult woman in my environment. If I liked someone I had to attach that emotion to an orgasm and even more if I hated someone.
I was trying to get orgasms on all possible ways: vacuum, hole in the bench, spreading cream sour on my penis to let our cat to lick it, etc.
My whole life was about reaching orgasms.
At the age of 11 my mother got a music CD from a friend and - you would never think - there was porn on it. I was the only one who discovered it. I will (and probably could) never forget it. Pamela Anderson vs Tommy Lee Jones homeporn. I knew at the first second that it was meant to be used for my masturbation-sessions.
It was at the time of the "internet-bigbang". It began to get common to have internet. Dial-net. You are browsing, no one can call. I made ridiculous bills my parents had to pay.
The next couple of years I was masturbating as much as I could but I was watching porn only in the weekends: I was studying in a high school far away from home, sharing a room with 4 others. That time nobody had laptops, looking at porn was not an option during the weeks.
The progression of my porn-habits can be called usual. My taste specialized more with the time and I spent more and more time on the internet looking for the best video for an orgasm. At the end I came out at Hentai and I had a really specific taste for women in the videos, I knew exactly what I was looking for - yet it took me hours to find it in the hundreds of thousands of movies.
It went on on the same way until I moved to the Netherlands at the age of 23. After a couple of months I got a serious depression - I was totally convinced that I was crazy, borderliner, had schizophrenia or what ever, I just was not normal. I could not do my daily tasks, cancelled all of my appointments, was afraid of people, I could not take anything only my room, whit locked doors.
At that time I began to swallow antidepressant - and it was what got me back to life.
With antidepressant I could enjoy life again, I could do my things and - because it turns your libido way down - I didn't crave masturbation anymore but still went on with it, just reduced.
Two years ago I read an article about porn addiction. What the fuck? What porn addiction?! Everyone is looking at porn, it is more normal than drinking water and masturbation is healthy anyways, that was what I totally believed! In that article stood yourbrainonporn.com, a site that changed my life. When I surfed to check it out I had the feeling of conversion, the hope for a new life and the understanding for the most of my issues. I needed it to understand what masturbation and porn does with your brain and personality. I had to understand that I was not crazy, I was just addicted to porn.
Where am I now?
The last two years I was continuously wrestling with it (beside my weed addiction and bulimia), clean, relapse, clean, relapse. My longest streak without porn and masturbation was 7 weeks - and it was totally worth is. It showed me that I really can feel different, I can be actually a different person, the person I always wanted to be.
The last half year I was more clean than relapsed, 2-3 weeks clean, 2-3 days relapsed,
Why I still frequently relapse? I will write about my theory in another post.
No comments:
Post a Comment