18+ Sex, Sex Everywhere! 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit for some. ***

I have heard many times that porn addicts (and sex addicts as well of course) tend to see sex everywhere and tend being more driven sexually than others without these conditions. 

Why is it like that? Why are we busy so much with sex everywhere we are? Why do we see only sex everywhere?

My experience is not different. 

Seeing girls on the street and analyzing them all. Looking at them except on a strongly objectifying way. How I would get them, how their breasts could look like, are they sluts or not, when they could have sex the last time, are they fckd by many or not, etc. 

Specializing sexual tastes:

The more time you spend with porn the more your taste in sex and porn will be specialized. You are seeing hundreds, thousands of women on the internet and unconsciously you rate everyone and everything you see. You know every time you check out new videos if you like it or not. You get used to look at women on a rating way. 

What does a porn addict need?

We need to see and to touch (our genitals). We need to see the girls, guys, scenes that get us horny and if we see those we feel the urge to touch ourselves. The one does not exist without the other. 

So what a porn addict needs for a session:  

1. Seeing (the women, scene or whatever he seeks in the video’s)

2. Touching (masturbating)

Don't forget that you as a porn addict can see on the screen everything you want to see. You are seeking girls on the screen even for hours in some cases. So what if you get out of your house? Why are you still horny if you´re not home in front of your safe and well known screen?

Because you meet girls everywhere. You come in contact with girls on the street, at school, work, everywhere. Your brain is used to "the seeking" and to the dopamine-rush that belongs to it. It is exciting and you never know what you get "on the next page". You never know if you meet someone you find sexy. Your brain has to be prepared for the moment that the perfect girl is in front of you, just like on the screen.

What does that mean?

It means that from the seeing and touching I mentioned before, you always, no matter where you are, have "seeing" with you (but of course you can’t jerk off everywhere). Therefore, you are seeking girls at every moment of the day even you are not masturbating. Why? Because your brain is used to it at your pc. 

Better said: you trained your brain and mind for that. With jerking off to porn you gave and give time to something and invest energy in something that you are improving, just like you can improve everything with attention en time investment. 

You brain is used to that this is the way for you to feel good, that it gets the needed dopamine on this way. So it just want to be ready to welcome the new scenario.

So you see a nice girl on the street and you get the urge to jerk off. And this is the ONLY thought you get. You don't even think about if that could be a nice person or not, how old she could be, what she is up to, it is not a human being for you. It is an object that can lead to an orgasm. 

Being unable to think except about these things and not being able to recognise other perspectives of everything around you. There exists nothing else, only sex and pretty women. 

And it is nothing else than being in a prison of an urge. 

Eating Hashish, Ending Up In A Nightmare

My head is still not really clear, excuse me if this post is unorganised.

Yesterday in the evening I was biking and listening to Mumford and Sons. I got really inspired to make my own music after I came home - and I thought it would be the best if I would get some hash to eat it en making music stoned.

So I got on my bike again and headed to the Coffee Shop to get some hash. Finally I bought some "calm, stoned kind" for 10 euros (about 13 dollars).

I went back home and made thee of the half of it.

One hour after I drank it I began to feel some tingling in my head. Because I considered the effect to be too light I decided to eat the other half of the portion.

One more hour later I felt as terrible as never before. I lost control totally, I could not organise my thoughts, what I was doing and I was terribly afraid that someone would find me, someone would knock on the door, call me, what ever. My hart was beating like crazy.

My biggest fear was that if the rest of the hash takes up in my belly I was going to lose consciousness. I was in totally panic.

Thinking. One hour ago I eat the last pieces of the hashish. It takes 3 hours for your stomach to digest the food. So I can prevent myself getting even more high if I throw up. So I just did purge even it is against my therapy (I'm in a therapy for bulimia and the goal is that I don't purge anymore). There was almost nothing in my belly and it took a great effort to get is empty but I still did. It was the only way to get out that shit of my stomach and to make sure it won't get worse.

After I purged I began to feel real, real bad. My lips got purple. I was spitting blood for almost an hour after I threw up. I checked my blood pressure, it was 190/120. Pulse 160 even though I was sitting. I checked it again, it was still 190/120. Blood coming out of stomach. I was sure it was the end. After abusing my body for more than 20 years it finally gives it in.

For the next 3 hours I was just sitting in my armchair. Nothing mattered, I just did not want to feel anything.

Now, after 26 hours of eating that shit I'm still not totally clear in my head.

And I was never, ever so happy as now not being high and stoned.

18+ Dirty Secrets - My Relation With Porn

*** The post you are about to read may be confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Being an addict for me is having something in your personality the most don't have. You can get hooked on something using it too much and too often but the question is how much effort it costs for you to quit it. People having "addict-personalities" need to numb reality and uncomfortable feelings on effective and fast ways. And not only unbearable happenings but even a bad day. 

I know already that I'm an "addict-personality" and the circumstances in my childhood could lead only to being hooked on something or more things.

I was real young when I discovered that playing with my penis can cause amazing feelings. I was about 5-6 when I noticed in the bath tube that cold water directly on my cockhead feels good, better, even better and VERY GOOOOHHHH! My parents never understood why the water was totally cold when they took me out of it. 

It didn't take long to realize that the feeling of masturbation, orgasm and women have something to do with each other, At the age of 8 I was thinking about everybody around me during masturbation and I jerked off like 4-5 times a day. It was THE good and only valuable feeling against the aggressive raising of my father. 

I was masturbating at school during lesson (I was sitting in the first line but I developed a manner to get myself off without anybody noticing it), in the church (my mother is a pastor), on my bike, on the street, everywhere. If I did not feel comfortable, I got myself off. 

And I was thinking about everybody. I thought of my mother, of my sister, my 70 years old teacher, girls at school, adult woman in my environment. If I liked someone I had to attach that emotion to an orgasm and even more if I hated someone. 

I was trying to get orgasms on all possible ways: vacuum, hole in the bench, spreading cream sour on my penis to let our cat to lick it, etc. 

My whole life was about reaching orgasms.

At the age of 11 my mother got a music CD from a friend and - you would never think - there was porn on it. I was the only one who discovered it. I will (and probably could) never forget it. Pamela Anderson vs Tommy Lee Jones homeporn. I knew at the first second that it was meant to be used for my masturbation-sessions. 

It was at the time of the "internet-bigbang". It began to get common to have internet. Dial-net. You are browsing, no one can call. I made ridiculous bills my parents had to pay. 

The next couple of years I was masturbating as much as I could but I was watching porn only in the weekends: I was studying in a high school far away from home, sharing a room with 4 others. That time nobody had laptops, looking at porn was not an option during the weeks. 

The progression of my porn-habits can be called usual. My taste specialized more with the time and I spent more and more time on the internet looking for the best video for an orgasm. At the end I came out at Hentai and I had a really specific taste for women in the videos, I knew exactly what I was looking for - yet it took me hours to find it in the hundreds of thousands of movies. 

It went on on the same way until I moved to the Netherlands at the age of 23. After a couple of months I got a serious depression - I was totally convinced that I was crazy, borderliner, had schizophrenia or what ever, I just was not normal. I could not do my daily tasks, cancelled all of my appointments, was afraid of people, I could not take anything only my room, whit locked doors. 

At that time I began to swallow antidepressant - and it was what got me back to life. 

With antidepressant I could enjoy life again, I could do my things and - because it turns your libido way down - I didn't crave masturbation anymore but still went on with it, just reduced. 

Two years ago I read an article about porn addiction. What the fuck? What porn addiction?! Everyone is looking at porn, it is more normal than drinking water and masturbation is healthy anyways, that was what I totally believed! In that article stood yourbrainonporn.com, a site that changed my life. When I surfed to check it out I had the feeling of conversion, the hope for a new life and the understanding for the most of my issues. I needed it to understand what masturbation and porn does with your brain and personality. I had to understand that I was not crazy, I was just addicted to porn. 

Where am I now?

The last two years I was continuously wrestling with it (beside my weed addiction and bulimia), clean, relapse, clean, relapse. My longest streak without porn and masturbation was 7 weeks - and it was totally worth is. It showed me that I really can feel different, I can be actually a different person, the person I always wanted to be. 

The last half year I was more clean than relapsed, 2-3 weeks clean, 2-3 days relapsed,

Why I still frequently relapse? I will write about my theory in another post.

Relapsed

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

I realised that I'm just back to the vicious circle of porn and everything what is needed to make it as intense as possible. . I can manage to be porn free for a couple of days but I'm actually always busy with planning how to get back to it. 

I sit home, stoned, just back from my girlfriend. I had the rush of being stoned a couple of minutes ago. Feeling inspired to think and to work on new ideas. I gets me really high literally and I enjoy it a lot! Planning which music I'm going to listen, there are a lot I want to overhaul a long time. 

Put new strings on the guitar and working on my slide technique. There are some really nice slide-solos in the cover of The Boxer by Mumford and Sons. Maybe it is a little high to begin with but it is all about the time you take to learn a solo. 

But there is still something behind it all. Something that makes me feel frightened. An old friend, a heavy shadow which I invite myself above my head every time I relapse to masturbate on porn. 

The more I think about everyone around me I'm lying to the more it straits my heart and neck.

No one knows what I am doing actually. I'm working with addicts as an addict. I'm lying to everyone around me. Some see me as an expert. 

Neither my love know anything about my actual life behind the walls. 

For one orgasm I'm relapsing. I can't bear with the depression and fear I get after a couple of days without my own, little world of my addictions. 

It is just so strange that I give everything up for a feeling of 10 seconds I was using in my whole life to handle with the reality. I give everything up for Orgasm.

I kill the musician I could be without masturbation. 

I destroy my thoughts before they even came to life.

I take the chance of my love and myself to make beautiful love.

I keep myself in fear of being with others. 

I make it impossible for myself to improve and grow as a person.

I keep myself incapacitate to become the person I always wanted to become.

I relapsed after 4 days.

4th Day Without Weed And Porn, 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for marijuana (1-10): 2
Longing for porn/masturbation (1-10): 3
Binge eating: once

I'm sick, snotty, lethargic, don't feel like doing anything, just like yesterday. It helps a lot not to desire blowing, porn or masturbation. 

We still had sex and I had an orgasm, it helps a lot not to desire porn of course. 

I was practicing guitar an hour or two. 

My biggest enemy (and best friend) is Nutella. I use it to for 20 years to numb my feelings. 

Yesterday we bought a pot of it, 630 grams. Today in the noon it was finished and my girlfriend eat almost nothing of it. I think I have eaten like 400 grams today. If I have it at home I jus can't controll myself. Lesson? Don't buy it. 

Feel like shit, go to get some sleep, 

2nd and 3rd Day Clean 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for marijuana (1-10): 4
Longing for porn/masturbation (1-10): 5

Not much to say about yesterday and today: it went good. I'm at my girlfriend until Tuesday, in a safe environment.

Yesterday I was biking 25 km (18 miles) in the early morning. After that I was quite down and had no energy for nothing. It took even an effort to scratch my head. And especially no desire to think. 

Today I went to church with my dear, it was good. I have a serious hearing damage so I don't understand nothing in church but it is the best time for me to meditate. So I was just sitting for an hour, concentrating on my breathing and thinking about life. It helped me to realise why my life is better if I'm sober. I will make a post about the reasons to stop and reasons to go on.

1th Day Clean 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for weed (1-10): 7

Longing for porn (1-10): 7

This is going to be the post of sniveling.

Yesterday relapsed, today clean. It is a bad day, I'm very anxious, unrestful, annoyed and actually raging today.

I was thinking about my mother in law who judges me and is convinced that I'm going to rape her grandchildren later (if we get married and get children) because of my sexaddiction (no, I'm not a sexaddict, I'm pornaddict. Different symptoms, methods to heal, reasons behind.), that I'm manipulating, that there is nothing real in me etc. It makes me hate the whole world, ignorant people who believe to know eveything.

I was at my work, cleaning the house, washing the dishes, Biking 13 km (about 9 miles), I was actually busy with good things. But I still feel like shit.

And I have headache. I just go to bed.