Relapsed

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

I realised that I'm just back to the vicious circle of porn and everything what is needed to make it as intense as possible. . I can manage to be porn free for a couple of days but I'm actually always busy with planning how to get back to it. 

I sit home, stoned, just back from my girlfriend. I had the rush of being stoned a couple of minutes ago. Feeling inspired to think and to work on new ideas. I gets me really high literally and I enjoy it a lot! Planning which music I'm going to listen, there are a lot I want to overhaul a long time. 

Put new strings on the guitar and working on my slide technique. There are some really nice slide-solos in the cover of The Boxer by Mumford and Sons. Maybe it is a little high to begin with but it is all about the time you take to learn a solo. 

But there is still something behind it all. Something that makes me feel frightened. An old friend, a heavy shadow which I invite myself above my head every time I relapse to masturbate on porn. 

The more I think about everyone around me I'm lying to the more it straits my heart and neck.

No one knows what I am doing actually. I'm working with addicts as an addict. I'm lying to everyone around me. Some see me as an expert. 

Neither my love know anything about my actual life behind the walls. 

For one orgasm I'm relapsing. I can't bear with the depression and fear I get after a couple of days without my own, little world of my addictions. 

It is just so strange that I give everything up for a feeling of 10 seconds I was using in my whole life to handle with the reality. I give everything up for Orgasm.

I kill the musician I could be without masturbation. 

I destroy my thoughts before they even came to life.

I take the chance of my love and myself to make beautiful love.

I keep myself in fear of being with others. 

I make it impossible for myself to improve and grow as a person.

I keep myself incapacitate to become the person I always wanted to become.

I relapsed after 4 days.

4th Day Without Weed And Porn, 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for marijuana (1-10): 2
Longing for porn/masturbation (1-10): 3
Binge eating: once

I'm sick, snotty, lethargic, don't feel like doing anything, just like yesterday. It helps a lot not to desire blowing, porn or masturbation. 

We still had sex and I had an orgasm, it helps a lot not to desire porn of course. 

I was practicing guitar an hour or two. 

My biggest enemy (and best friend) is Nutella. I use it to for 20 years to numb my feelings. 

Yesterday we bought a pot of it, 630 grams. Today in the noon it was finished and my girlfriend eat almost nothing of it. I think I have eaten like 400 grams today. If I have it at home I jus can't controll myself. Lesson? Don't buy it. 

Feel like shit, go to get some sleep, 

1th Day Clean 2nd Round

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Longing for weed (1-10): 7

Longing for porn (1-10): 7

This is going to be the post of sniveling.

Yesterday relapsed, today clean. It is a bad day, I'm very anxious, unrestful, annoyed and actually raging today.

I was thinking about my mother in law who judges me and is convinced that I'm going to rape her grandchildren later (if we get married and get children) because of my sexaddiction (no, I'm not a sexaddict, I'm pornaddict. Different symptoms, methods to heal, reasons behind.), that I'm manipulating, that there is nothing real in me etc. It makes me hate the whole world, ignorant people who believe to know eveything.

I was at my work, cleaning the house, washing the dishes, Biking 13 km (about 9 miles), I was actually busy with good things. But I still feel like shit.

And I have headache. I just go to bed.

2nd Day Clean 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***
*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Two days without weed and porn completed.

I´m still at my girlfriend´s, until tomorrow. 

My goal is not to climax. We had sex today morning and yeah.. It will take a while to get used to sex without ejaculation. But no problem, I had no orgasm. 

There is not so much to tell about really. I felt good, was practicing guitar and made some nice hungarian dishes for the evening. Keep myself busy helps a lot and reduces the craving. 

No depression yet. I´m afraid it will come in a couple of weeks but let´s hope it won´t.

Ok, let´s watch some Godzilla (1998).

Where It All Began

I'm a 28 years old guy. I come from a religius family, my mother is a pastor. My parents have four children, I'm the oldest. 

I was four years old when my mother left to Finland for 3 months. I could not understand the meaning of time, how long three months were, where my mother was, why she left us (my sister was 2 back then). I did not even know if she ever comes back. Suddenly she just was not there anymore. She was not there for a day, the night after, she did not came back the next day, next week, she just disappeared. I was not prepared for her absence. 

The space my mother left had to be filled in. I have a couple of memories from those months, each of compensating the want of my mother. 

One of them is that I was watching a movie on the TV. It was probably a western with a beautiful and very temperamental gispy woman. I could not leave the TV, seeing her gave me a fulfilment that I never experienced never before. It sounds funny perhaps but that 4 years old nipper fell in love with that woman. I'm pretty convinced that my pornaddiction and passionate jonesing for women was rooted on it.

An other remembrance of that time is that I loved toasted white bread with hungarian sausages. My father took notice of that food kept me calm and when I eat I did not miss my mother so much. When my mother came home after three months she noticed immediately that I was gaining weight. 

My conclusion is that as a four years old guy I learned to feel good through eating and women. 

1th Day Clean 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

From today I will try to make a summary of my progress every day.

My goal is to quit weed and porn using. I had often attempted to stop wit both but I never could keep it up longer than 3 weeks. But I still have to say: without those clean days and weeks I would not know how stopping with these things can benefit my life.

Today is my first clean (weed- and pornfree) day. The last two weeks I was using daily, stucked in de vicious circle of “never more from tomorrow”.

From today I’m at my girlfriend’s for the coming days. It is also the reason that tt was not a very day with regard to my addctions, I did not have the feeling of craving although it came to my head to buy a joint, before I came to my girlfriend (she does not exactly know how often I use and what that exactly contains and I was lying a lot about it in the past as an addict does).

My first clean day was not really an issue. What I’m afraid of is wednesday, then I go home. I never have problems with craving if I’m with others but at the moment that I can isolate myself in my room, the feeling of being safe is gone and I can not think about anything except smoking and masturbating.

My brain is not really working, I feel very unsharp. It takes a lot of energy to organise my thoughts. So I just finish for today.

Sleep well folks!