3rd And 4th Day: Relapse 18+

*** The post you are about to read may be ***

*** confusingly personal and explicit. ***

Yesterday, the third day I relapsed. 

I've been at my girlfriend's until yesterday evening, after that I went to an NA meeting. It is funny (and sad as well) that I was planning during the whole meeting how I will relapse. Which porn- movies I'm going to watch, what kind of food I buy to eat it at once (huge amount of chocolate, cookies, etc.) That I can purge once more, no problem, it will be really the last one. I won't see my girlfriend for a couple of days so I can ejaculate and after that being "recovered" in couple of days being able to have sex with her - as I can go on with lying on this way, I can make people believe what I want them to believe. And beside it having a totally different life that would shock everyone. 

What it all makes even heavier is that I'm working with addicts. I was using longer than anyone would have thought. Am I an expert?!

A part of mine just believed it won't happen. Believed in and desired it. Walking on the road, falling from the cliff (http://lauriesaint.blogspot.nl/2014/09/falling-jumping-off-cliff.html), hoping to reach a longer clean period than ever before. 

The "other one" in me was planning the whole day how to arrange the evening-event. When I could get my portion to get high.

This was the "last", again. Every time I smoked pot and watched at porn was the "last", for two years.

It feels always the same: ashamed of myself. Hours before the event I'm afraid, got that strange stress feeling in my stomach. Like before exams. I know I'm going to do it yet I don't want it.

I desire so much being FREE. I want to be free from my own prison I built the last more than 20 years.

The progress I make in couple of weeks (2-3) is always surprising. I just start to do things I always thought can only "strong" and "normal" people do. Things like reading, writing, making music, living. Thinking and not only bearing life. Being productive on a creative way. What could I become if I would give enough space to my natural desires to become the one I could?

I am afraid to become the person I could become. 

From tomorrow I'm with my girlfriend for 4-5 days, it will help a lot, being under controll. A new chance.

Falling (Jumping) Off The Cliff

At first I want to make clear that what I think and what I write are based on my thoughts and experiences. This is pure my point of view and there are many people who see this on a very different way for sure.

I was addicted for the greatest part of my life (actually since when I was 5-6, I'm 28 now). It means that I have no idea what I am capable of, I never try to reach my limits, I barely know myself (although I think I know much more about myself then many others about themselves).

I'm living in a prison build by my history, habits and especially by myself.

What I as an addict always needed and still need is safety. Something I know, a place where I've been often enough to know that I can get back there what ever happens. It is especially true for my feelings.

I'm afraid of not being ''home'' and if I'm heading somewhere but don't exactly know where, I want to just go back.

Quit using means to me heading some place I do not know. Somewhere I can not have expectations in. How long the journey will take? What am I going to become on the way? 

I am standing on the edge of a cliff. I can not see the bottom, it is way too far down. Every time I stop masturbating and smoking weed I feel like I just stepped off to the profundity. I'm afraid to jump but I know I have to - so I just jump.

Flying down does not mean anything just fear. Am I gonna survive the slam? Where is the bottom? Am I going to ever reach it?

The longer I'm flying down the greater the fear grows. The longer I'm clean the farther I'm from home. The safety of my habits just begins to disappear.

The distance from home grows but I don't have the feeling I'm heading somewhere.

What can I do? There are two options: trying to bear with the fear and just keep it up until it is over and I become a new me without using or I can go back home, back to the safety of my addictions.

Addicts are numbing the feelings of the moment. Oh, I'm afraid of something, let's get a joint. I feel bad - lets take care of dopamine and endorphin rush in my head with an orgasm. Flying down off the cliff means that I have to bear the lack of my safe prison. That I just can't numb anything I feel. Experiencing life just how it is. Being a part of it. It is the scariest thing I can imagine.